dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Alive.
So much puke
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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