I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am available for nakedness
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
