Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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