Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
FUCK WHALES
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
