I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
