Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
