we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize