He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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