1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
