In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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