Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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