She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize