the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
