my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
