then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
