Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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