Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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