im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
