would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
