plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
