mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
