I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
