Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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