Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
