dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
