fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
