I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
