That's intense
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
