Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
