Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
