I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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