new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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