Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
