I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
