She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
