That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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