I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I currently don't understand fingers.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
