dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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