I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
