the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
