Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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