By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
only you would photoshop your dick
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
