I'm eating all of the evidence.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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