it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
