I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
