Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Small penises have feelings too.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
