I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
