I'm really into asian looking animals
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
