she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
