wrigley field is MILF paradise
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
