This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
