I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
