I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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