Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize