You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize