walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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