Your face is a jimmy john
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
