When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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