D3 body, D1 cock
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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