eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
