The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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