we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
