Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
