I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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