I wish I could teleport
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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